Page Title

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS
A Traveler's Guide

BY GARY A. WARNER


(Editor’s Note: This story originally appeared in 2003)


Hey, weary traveler, come on in! Welcome to Down Under Travel (not specializing
in Australia).
I'm the owner, B.L. Zeebub -- you can just call me Bub. Do I have a devil of a deal
for you -- seven cities, seven days, seven sins.
Not just any old seven run-of-the-mill sins -- but the Seven Deadly Sins, the tops of
transgressions, the best of the bad.
Price? Oh, let's not talk price for the moment. I'm sure we can arrange something.
But after I've filled you in on this once-in-a-lifetime deal, you'll surely sell your, uh,
soul to sign on the dotted line. Let's turn to page 8 and take a look at the brochure
-- Oooh. Ouch. Bad paper cut.
Well, we can use the blood to sign the contract.

1 GLUTTONY: NEW ORLEANS
Why go around the world on an empty stomach? So we'll start our tour of temporal
trip-ups in Fat City. Did I say Fat? New Orleans never met a meal it didn't like.
Gumbo at Antoine's. Jambalaya at K-Paul's. Fried catfish at Praline Connection.
Muffaletta sandwiches at Central Grocery. Shrimp etoufee at Commander's Palace.
All mixed in with enough mint juleps to wash away any inhibitions about having
seconds, or thirds, or, well, gosh, just one more helping won't hurt.
Stay up all night listening to some Dixieland jazz, then go get a bag of deep-fried,
powdered-sugar-slathered beignets at Caf du Monde. Sinfully wonderful stuff.
You'll need a calculator to keep track of the calories. American Demographics
Magazine says New Orleans is the most overweight city in the United States. But
it's fat that's jiggling with laughter at a good time.

2 AVARICE: LAS VEGAS
What's the nastiest, naughtiest, downright sinful thing you can do in strait-laced
America? Why, waste money, of course! That's why our next stop is America's
favorite sin city, Las Vegas.
This is the neon-drenched oasis in the desert built on the hard-earned wages of
millions of suckers who thought they could beat the odds.
Nothing's real here -- fake plastic Venice. Fake plastic Rome. Fake plastic Paris,
Italian Lake District, New York City. It's all illusion, just like the cardboard cutout
dreams of the big score that keep millions of folks coming back.
The real Las Vegas is down in the pits. Craps at the Desert Inn. Poker at Caesars.
Blackjack at the Tropicana. Roulette at Binion'sFour, "the hard way," "Double
down," "Let it ride. " Pull that handle, throw those dice, take another card.
You'll be the one to beat the odds -- sure you will. That's why there's an ATM
machine at every turn. That's why nine of the 10 largest hotels in the world are out
here in the middle of the desert. That's why these casinos can pay electrical bills
the size of the Third World debt. Because everybody thinks they'll be the one to
beat the house.
Greed is good -- for the casinos. But hey, you know you're a lucky stiff. You'll be
the one who'll come out a winner -- sure you will.

3 ANGER: BELFAST
If you are hot under the collar after blowing your wad of money in Vegas, let me
take you to a place where people are REALLY angry.
For nearly a century, the Protestants and Catholics of Northern Ireland have been
shooting, stabbing and blowing each other up.
What's amazing is that while this slow-motion war has gone on, a semblance of life
has somehow continued in Northern Ireland's largest city, and visitors can hop on a
plane from London or Dublin and see the residue of the carnage close up.
There are even tours that will take you out to Shankhill Road to see the Unionist
wall paintings calling for British rule, or to Falls Road to see similar wall paintings of
the Irish Republican Army supporters. The IRA cemetery, where the freedom
fighters or murderers, depending on your politics, are buried is filled with expensive
monuments. Stay at the Europa Hotel, the most bombed hotel in the world.
Even the booze takes sides -- tradition has it that Protestants drink Bushmills
whiskey, made in the north, while Catholics prefer Jameson from the south. It's all a
moot point now -- both whiskeys are owned by the same company -- based in
France. But that's just something more to be mad about.

4 LUST: LOS ANGELES
Enough of this gloomy stuff, let's jet off to where skin is in!
Rio de Janeiro has Carnaval, with topless maidens on the floats, and Copenhagen
has its prostitutes on red-lighted streets. But when it comes to lust, Los Angeles is
it.
L.A. is the capital of the world media market, sending its sleaze around the world --
movies, video, DVDs, video games, magazines. Seems like there isn't a mom-and-
pop video store in the country that doesn't have one of those roped-off sections
full of X-rated videos churned out up in the San Fernando Valley.
The silicon-enhanced torsos of "Baywatch" can be found jiggling across the TV
screens from Seoul to Santiago. Stop by Mann's Chinese Theater and see the
handprints of the old stars -- they've been selling lust here since the turn of the
century. Theda Bara begat Mae West begat Marilyn Monroe begat Sharon Stone
begat Salma Hayek. From the Sunset Strip to the Beverly Hills Hotel pool, the stars,
starlets and legions of wanna-be's are trying to be the next to bare allfor big bucks.

5 ENVY: NEW YORK CITY
Next stop, Manhattan. As Sinatra said, "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere.
" But no matter how hard you try there are lots and lots of people in Gotham who
are doing much, much better than you.
Millionaires and billionaires are having lavish dinners in penthouse apartments or
rolling up to opening night on Broadway in tuxedos, diamonds and furs. In
Manhattan, you'll see it, hear it, even smell it -- but you're not invited! The rich and
beautiful spend most of their money trying to get away from the likes of you and me.
But in New York City, it's impossible -- the place is too tiny, too stacked upon itself.
So the multibillionaire shares his space with the office clerk and the bum. Flashes
of famous faces walking in Greenwich Village -- wasn't that Dustin Hoffman playing
with that kid in the park? Didn't Glenn Close just rush by me on the way to a party?
Penthouses as mansions in the sky, the bright lights drawing our eyes up, the
champagne-glass-clinking toasts echoing down the skyscraper canyons. The
superwealthy gliding past the security guard, who's there to make sure you keep
out. Nowhere in the world do the haves and have-nots live so cheek by jowl.
Those of us on the downside of that calculus can turn green so close up. It could
have been us -- but it's not.

6 PRIDE: TOKYO
There once was a country that thought it wasn't just better than New York. It
thought it could own New York. Our next stop, the land of the rising ego -- Japan.
Remember the early 1990s? The yen was king. Japanese workers had jobs for life.
Their cars, televisions and computers kicked our stuff around the world market.
The combined value of downtown Tokyo's real estate topped the value of all the
real estate in the entire United States. Japanese corporations were awash in cash
-- buying everything that wasn't nailed down -- Van Gogh paintings, New York
skyscrapers, venerable London hotels. Everybody was supposed to learn
Japanese because the business tycoons in Tokyo were going to conquer the world.
Japan knew best on everything -- education, cultural values, business acumen.
Then pop! The Japanese economy folded like a suddenly soggy origami caught in
a rainstorm.
In invincible Japan it was time to sell, sell, sell! Workers got fired, fired, fired. Japan
turned out to be subject to the same economic rules as every other major country.
But you can still wander around the overbuilt high-rises of Shinjuku or the Harbor
City project in Tokyo Bay and see the leftovers of the boom madness.

7 SLOTH: HAWAII
After all this travel, you need a good rest. So we're off to the islands. You could go
up to the volcano. You could go scuba. You could hit the museum. Or troll for
trinkets in the craft shop.
But the sun feels too good. The sun and that breeze that rustles the palms and
tickles the wind chimes. You ought to get up. Ought to go do something. See the
rest of the island.
But you'd have to sit up to get your shoes -- they're all the way over by the
veranda door. Nah, just shove that book you bought at the airport but haven't
made past the first chapter off the edge of the deck chair. Where's that barmaid?
Just one more of those big frothy drinks with a chunk of pineapple. Then maybe a
dip in the pool or the ocean, and back to the chair.
Or you could just roll over on your other side. Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow you'll do
a little more. Then you wake up and your vacation is gone -- and all you've done is
snooze and sun. So why don't you feel guilty?

(SIDEBAR) Sinned out? How about the 7 Heavenly Virtues?

Globetrotting for sinful delights not quite up your alley? OK, goody two shoes,
here's an itinerary for visiting the flip side of the bad -- the Seven Heavenly Virtues:

FAITH: JERUSALEM Considered holy by three major religions -- Judaism,
Christianity and Islam. From the Western Wall to Church of the Sepulchre to the
Dome of the Rock is just a matter of a short stroll. Plus, Bethlehem, Jericho and a
host of other heavenly spots are nearby.

HOPE: SALT LAKE CITY OK, here's the deal: Everybody follow me to the middle of
nowhere to build a town next to a lake whose water we can't even drink. That was
Brigham Young's offer to the Mormon faithful. It turned out to be a good bet. Today
the city is a thriving metropolis, named the best place to live in the United States,
according to the latest edition of the Places Rated Almanac.

CHARITY: CALCUTTA Mother Teresa wasthe world's most famous relief worker.
Her headquarters, in the Indian city famous for its teeming masses of poor, keeps
up her good works. You think you have it bad -- head to Calcutta and soon you'll
be tithing, too.

FORTITUDE: DUBROVNIK The Croatian seaside town was once the capital of the
backpacker's version of the Italian Riviera. Then came nearly a decade of war that
decimated tourism and damaged the city. Today, Dubrovnik has been almost
completely restored to its splendor. Time may not heal all wounds, but Dubrovnik's
endurance has created a triumph of the spirit.

TEMPERANCE: GENEVA The worldwide temperance movement has largely run
dry, pun intended. But the Geneva-based Blue Cross carries on its anti-alcohol
work with 1,550 branches worldwide. There are a small number of temperance
cafes in the center city where you can get a good cheap meal, but nothing
stronger than a cola to wash it down.

JUSTICE: NUREMBERG The World Court in the Hague has its roots in the
international war crimes commission held in the German city following World War II.
While some revisionists declare the trials were a case of the victors unjustly
judging the losers, Nuremberg established the idea that crimes against humanity
can be punished. The remnants of Hitler's racist regime that still dot the town are
reminders of what could have happened if the Allies hadn't triumphed on the
battlefield, and later, in the courtroom.

PRUDENCE: KABUL If you are looking for a town that's low on lust -- at least
publicly -- try the Afghan capital, where strict adherence to Muslim law requires
women to cover from head to toe. For a more tourist-friendly (really) spot, try
Tehran, Iran, which is finally stepping out of the dark ages after nearly two
decades under the stern rule of the mullahs.